Experimenting
I've been feeling a little dark at times. Depressed, down, whatever you would like to call it. I think I need to call it depressed so that it sinks in. For a very long time, I did not. Let depression drag somebody else down, not me. I'm funny. I'm not depressed. I laugh. But I cry. I'm just agitated. It's hormones. It's sometimes hard to reconcile the two me's. Now before you go scrambling for your Gray's Anatomy or PDR or whatever the fuck book lists the mental health diagnoses, I'm not schizophrenic. But the moodiness can take me for a ride sometimes. The thing is - rides make me nauseous.
I suffer from depression. I get up each day, I go to work, I am among the living, but apparently I've got this chemical makeup that works great for poets, musicians and writers, but apparently I'm none of the above. Just a working class zero. For the past 2 plus years, I've been on medication for depression. But lately, I began to reconsider how I was feeling and some of its side effects. I have just switched to a new medication. Notice I have not listed the particulars. I don't really want to go into a pharmacological discussion at this time. I just want to own this part of me.
I come from a long line of depression and mental health issues. Oh and alcoholism. Often not a good combination. My paternal grandfather hung himself. Apparently this occurred after my grandmother sent my father out to deliver the crushing news that he shouldn't come back home. In a boarding house in Hell's Kitchen, New York City, he hung himself. A story's got to start somewhere.
But where this one goes is so far removed from that story; yet I find if I don't begin to explore the origin, I am not being truthful. This is part of who I am. There it is - the groundwork that begins the tale.
A tale that began when a jaunty Irishman - a tailgunner in World War II marries his sweetheart in the Tenth Ward Democratic Club.
G-d help us all.
I suffer from depression. I get up each day, I go to work, I am among the living, but apparently I've got this chemical makeup that works great for poets, musicians and writers, but apparently I'm none of the above. Just a working class zero. For the past 2 plus years, I've been on medication for depression. But lately, I began to reconsider how I was feeling and some of its side effects. I have just switched to a new medication. Notice I have not listed the particulars. I don't really want to go into a pharmacological discussion at this time. I just want to own this part of me.
I come from a long line of depression and mental health issues. Oh and alcoholism. Often not a good combination. My paternal grandfather hung himself. Apparently this occurred after my grandmother sent my father out to deliver the crushing news that he shouldn't come back home. In a boarding house in Hell's Kitchen, New York City, he hung himself. A story's got to start somewhere.
But where this one goes is so far removed from that story; yet I find if I don't begin to explore the origin, I am not being truthful. This is part of who I am. There it is - the groundwork that begins the tale.
A tale that began when a jaunty Irishman - a tailgunner in World War II marries his sweetheart in the Tenth Ward Democratic Club.
G-d help us all.
posted by G at 6:36 PM
30 Comments:
I admire you for saying the word... when I get what I euphemistically call "the blues" I use a stronger 'd' word "denial" but one day my blues will catch up with me... I just know it.
Keep well sweetheart and thank you for visiting me.
Chag Sameach for this weekend and may you and yours be blessed with a sweet and happy and peaceful New Year
lotsa luv ann xxxxx
whoa, NBFF, this is pretty damn impressive. poignant and poetic, and oh-so-very-you. or at least part of you.
you already know how i feel about that medication change... i'm relieved beyond words to know you've taken control of this part of your life. (seriously, some of those meds are more evil than the "condition" they're meant to address)
the only exception i'll take to all you've so beautifully written here is this: you are hardly a working class zero. i know it, your family knows it, and the American people know it. eventually, you'll know it, too!
keep on keepin' on, girlfriend. i love you and am always but a phone call away. xox
G, thank you for sharing. This was a difficult choice to make, but a wise one. I, too, suffer with depression. I am on 2 different meds right now. One I know is working, not so sure about the other. I am losing faith/trust in my MD. Not good. I am so very glad that Neva is as close as the phone for you. You will talk, we will listen, and just as you've done for Brian, we will support and love you for who you are. Diane :}
Brian: I wanted you to know that you are not alone, others suffer too. It's good to have a support system and to talk about it. For me, it was important to begin to plum the depths of the genetic factor. Understanding and acceptance of who we are is key. Hugs your way.
Ann: (Who looks strikingly like Vincent D'Onfrio).
You know Ann, on my other blog I have not talked about it per se. That is why I put it here as sort of a test - a place to begin to explore this side of the story. I too have used words like I am so - stressed, agitated, but not depressed. Depression has many different faces.
Thank you so much for dropping in. Chag Sameach to you and yours and the same sweet wishes for you in the New Year.
Neva pups: thank you my dear NBFF - you are a friend indeed. I know there's a song Working Class Hero - zero just made my plight a little stronger :) Thanks for your sweet concern. Don't worry, I have you on my cell.
Diane: Thank you. You know, my friends and family know me for who I am. But really it wasn't until recently that I've acknowledged that this is indeed depression. I have sisters who have gone through some of what I have, only even more so. I think the more we all talk and share, the better for everyone. Thank you for being one of my "sisters" in the blogs. It's good to have sincere people around.
Thanks to all and have a good night.
Brian/Diane - enjoy your long weekend.
xox ~ G
G,
I had a kick ass episode of post partum depression. Before that I had no idea what it was like, and now, well, now I have alot more sympathy, and empathy, and compassion.
It hard for the self sufficient type to say this kind of thing, so good for you.
BTW, don't buy your spin on that artist thing, you have the soul of a poet.
Logo: It's amazing how going through it just crystalizes it for you. It's very hard. You just want to seem "together".
You know logo, I am just trying to find where that soul of mine wants to be. Poet huh? I like that.
{{{G}}}
And don't go calling yourself a working class zero. You're a hero for getting up and doing what you need to do for your family--as we know, there are plenty of people who cannot do that. And that's very sad, about your grandfather--how sad that must have been for everyone, very traumatic for your father. Take care!
Thanks Actonbell. That was the start of the story of my father's life - a hard knock one indeed. I sort of started this post as my depression leading into the family history. Not sure where it goes from here. Appreciate your stopping by though.
Hey Lady with the Lampshade on Her Head...e-mail me when you have a few extra seconds...
swampwitch06atgmaildotcom
That's a tough thing to make public. I have no advice to offer but I don't mind reading. It's a good share. You're a good person.
Doug, that's okay as it's not really advice that I'm seeking. But a listener, or reader in this case, is nice.
It is but then again, I've spent a good part of life having grown up in an alocoholic household with a facade of normalcy. Time to tear the wall down.
Oh and thanks, you're pretty decent yourself.
I'm all for tearing down facades of normalcy. Foundations, roofbeams and load-bearing walls too.
Thanks Pia, it's sort of an experimental thing. A place to explore my "mental" side.
Yes, it's a mixed blessing the modern meds. Truth is - who would really want to take them? I wish I didn't have to, but I do. For now.
I understood the root of your other comment which is very important - we need to not get caught up in defeatist thinking. And the more you can positively take control of a situation, the better off you'll be. I'm trying.
I'm just beginning the journey to understand depression and mood disorders and whatever else my family (including me) has suffered from. In the meantime, perhaps that doctor will come along who can pinpoint it all.
Until then, I'll continue to blog. Thanks for being that inspiration.
Hi g, if you're looking for someone to listen, I'm all ears honey.
You know I blogged about my depression for a whole month earlier this year. That was helpful and I'm glad you're going to do some of that with us.
There is a lot of wisdom in knowing that you have to look at it, think about it, learn about, it and accept it before you can deal with it effectively. You definitely can't follow a map to a new destination if you don't know where you're starting from.
One thing I've learned is to avoid labels. Yes, I suffer from depression. But yes, I'm a very happy person. If I'm intent on labeling, those two labels won't fit at the same time. But they are just elements of me and I have to accept the whole package.
You have my love and support g. I hope you know that. ♥
Kyah, Thank you. I knew you for certain would understand as I have read your very moving posts on this topic.
You know up to this point I told the doctor "X" worked and he prescribed it. But now I'm not feeling as if that's working and I really want to understand the different components that combine to make me feel the way I do.
You know your comment is exactly what I was thinking except you articulated it so well. Leave it to a chemist to make sense of this for me :)
And thanks Kyah, it's good to know there are others who've gone through or are going through. Little heart to you. ~ G xox
I am sorry when I read about someone being sad. You have an excellent blog here and seem to have a number of bloggers that care about you. This si my first visit. I hope you feel better.
http://sms100.blogspot.com/
Tom, thank you for stopping by and sharing your warm message. This blog was set up as sort of an outlet for this aspect of my life. My main blog is Simply Said and I hope you drop in there as well. Thanks for stopping in and best to you.
I would hardly describe you as a zero, working class or otherwise.
As someone who suffers from and conversely is inspired by bipolar, I just sum it up by saying I'm glad for the imagination but the other symptoms are no picnic!
hope everything gets better :)
Aren't women naturally moody though?
Oh, I'm joking, stop cussing me out through the monitor. I get depressed ... particularly when I look at my credit card statements.
Cheesemeister: Thank you. And amen to that sister. Depression can be grist for the creative mill but t'aint no picnic for many.
White Forest: This was a bad moment in time captured here. I decided to put it on its own blog. Thank you for your kind words, I really am doing well. Overall life is great. Thanks for your visit and drop over to Simply Said (my main blog) sometime.
Malnurtured: I hope you didn't hear that last bit, I didn't really mean it. You have earned a place in the humorous comments hall. And on the credit card bills, just ignore them and go shopping. ;)
For what its worth, I know the feeling well.
And your writing is wonderful. That is something.
Old Mule, it's comments like yours, that make it nice to blog. Thank you.
as tough as this is to begin to speak about
you are courageous for bringing this out in
the open. i believe it will be therapeutic
not only for you, g, but for those who
read your words as well, for most likely,
they will be inspired and encouraged by
your openness, to do a little soul searching themselves...tho it can be cleansing and detoxifying to bring some of this to light, perhaps we can learn that we dont need to be defined by the events of someone else's past, and even though we are very much affected by the environment we grew up in, each moment today, now, in the present, is a fresh moment to begin anew. thank you for bringing this subject to light so honestly...i think i may be an undiagnosed and unmedicated victim of depression. medication scares the sh*t out of me, i cant go there, at least not yet. my mom's dad did the carbon monoxide car in the garage thing when she was 9, poor thing, and i guess its pretty much taken her life away from her, and ultimately not only affected the way i see love, maternal and otherwise, but the way i relate to my own 2 kids and now, how they take this experience into the world....if theres anything i do learn from it, its to get ones own sh*t together, so someone else doesnt always have to clean it up for them....but in reality, i can see that is easier said than done...
thank you for helping me to think about this, g...
xo another fellow cancerian jewish mom.
JJ, first I must apologize for not commenting earlier. I had seen your lovely thoughtful comment earlier and one thing lead to the next and well here I am...
I just wanted to mainly say thank you for dropping by this little hidaway post. You are so right about each moment being another chance to begin anew. I am glad to be able to open up in some small way as it helps me also - to put it out on the table and look at it. But mainly to have such warm and thoughtful comments which are a warm blanket on this rainy day.
But what else would I expect from a Cancerian Jewish Mother :) xo
My heart goes out to you..
Hi you live in New York City - don't you?? - so what are you depressed about? City of dreams!! Wow!
I've got bored of London. That was the city of MY dreams once ... but as Dr Johnson said once tired of London = tired of life so I'm looking to flee somewhere else...
Maybe you ARE a poet but don't even know it yet??
It could be a possiblity.
Working class zero - I like it ...
Sheesh. So much of this I relate to. I often think I would be a great tortured poet, but a PTO homemaking mom? Not so much. Damn! Now I need the meds!
Hey youse... I don't know why I never stopped by here, but I'm glad I did now. You know, I spent over 16 years with Mr. Bill W., and after certain circumstances, beginning with the alcoholic/drug hospitalizations and finally death of my husband fell off the wagon so to speak. I don't blame him or anyone for the change; it just is. I haven't quite figured out if that was a bad thing to do, as I haven't landed myself in jail or worse... things actually haven't been too bad the past 3 years of change. But I can relate to your musing. I blame it all on hormones anymore. I appreciate your post. Thanks for putting it out there, sharing with some of us who really do want to know. xo
I hope you might still be planning to do something with this memoir/family history. I want to read more if you do.
weirsdo
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